(Source: captainyasmin, via aanomiiee)
Well, I managed to come back to where I was again. Without even realizing what I was doing.
I broke up with matt and he’s so upset. I said that I don’t like him anymore and that I need to focus on school, both being true but I know that the main reason is because I realized that I don’t want to be in a relationship. And I felt so bad for matt cos he was the one stuck in a relationship with me. It actually surprises me how cold I’ve become… I try and want to miss him, but I just don’t. Wtf is wrong with me?!
And I also realized that I’m being too clingy with megan so I have to stop talking to her for a bit. Until.. I don’t even know when so for now and for who knows how long; I’m alone again.
But I don’t mind being alone, because it reminds me of what I want to do and why… It keeps me focused on that goal.
But I’m not happy. I’m comfortable with being alone because it’s familiar, too familiar. But it makes me sad. And I can’t handle being sad, because that emotion is a hard one to keep down. The smallest things make me cry cos the big things don’t.
I block out all my emotions and now I handle my emotions by working, I just worked 4 nights in a row and I’m not as sad a I was on Sunday. But my shift on Saturday should help me get through the rest of the week.
I also noticed I’m letting myself slip into bitchy me. If people are bitching about someone I’ll join in (until I realize what I’m doing) and I’m swearing a lot and I hate that me.
Matt came over today. We’ve been going out for over a month, and every time i see him i still get butterflies.
He makes me really happy. He’s so perfect. And he’s still here, i don’t understand why. But i like that he’s still here.
I’m still waiting for him to notice all the things i notice, i know the day will come.
He surprises me, not in ways that you would expect; but in ways that i don’t even think he realizes he is doing it.He says i am beautiful and that i am perfect, i can see that i am not, but he refuses to let me believe otherwise.
He was trying to do stuff today but i didn’t want him too because he would have seen my cuts. I never want him to see them. And i never want him to know that i have started again.
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